Deborah Ward

Seven Types of Love

Love is such a powerful experience. Great art has been created in the name of it. People have achieved great darings and feats to achieve it. We have been elated, warmed, flirtatious, comforted, besotted, enchanted, beholdened to, dutified, empathised, committed, infatuated, wreckless, frightened, and hurt beyond hurt by it. So, what is it? We have one paltry word for it that seems to lump entirely different feelings into just one paradigm. The Greeks had 7 words to define love. This sounds a good start to refining what we call love.

Experience

It is of little surprise that so many relationships disappoint. When we, ourselves, are not articulate about our love, how can we ensure that both parties are interpreting the same meaning from what is felt. How do we even know, for ourselves, what we are doing. Expectations are complex things and if we have just one clumsy "I love you" to convey the spirit of our intent, that is pretty vague. Love has many subtleties and, I for one, find it such a waste to stick a one-size-fits-all label onto such a myriad of emotion.

Eros

Feeling: Love with a sensual component, Life Force, Desire, Lust, Will

Hallmarks: Beauty, Transcendence

Shadow: Obsession, Sex addiction

Philia

Feeling: Affection, Kindly love, Friendship, Benevolence, Companionship.

Hallmarks: Loyalty, Good Will, Equality

Shadow: Phobia - opposite of attraction; Co-dependency.

Storge

Feeling: Compassionate love within the tribe of family, pets, friends, colleagues

Hallmarks: Committment, Support

Shadow: Elitism, Over-power

Agape

Feeling: Universal, unconditional, transcends all

Hallmarks: Charity, Selflessness

Shadow: Egotism, Masochism

Ludus

Feeling: Playful love, Frolicsome, Seduction, Teasing, Flirtatious

Hallmarks: Casual, Spontaneous, Intrigue

Shadow: Thoughtlessness, Trifling

Pragma

Feeling: A practical angle to love, compatibility, shared goals, duty

Hallmarks: Political or arranged pairings often for something greater

Shadow: Usery for power or wealth

Philautia

Feeling: Loving of the self that relates to realistic, balanced self-understanding

Hallmarks: Self-acceptance of the whole, strengths and weaknesses alike.

Shadow: Inflated confidence; hubris

How Do I Love Thee?

It is rare that any relationship is just one type of love. In fact, when there is a blending, the relationship has a better chance of providing depth as long as they complement the love types in each other. Time, circumstance and life stages also transition through different degrees of love types.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning took the famous trouble to examine her own love. Maybe this will work for you too?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints – I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! – and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.